Published May 2005.
Read the Preface Here
"An Inch From Murder: My Life as a Male Victim of Sexual Child Abuse"
by Nealus - Purchase Here
"An Inch From Murder: My Life as a Male Victim of Sexual Child Abuse"
by Nealus - Buy
Here
ISBN
978-1-58939-730-9. $15.95. Softcover. 322 Pages.
An Inch From Murder was written 20 years ago and is now being
brought to print for the very first time and deals with life as a Male
Victim of Sexual Child Abuse. Drawing from the memory of past molestations
from the age of four until sixteen, a trauma unfolded in adulthood
profiling Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. The uncanning of the abuse by
seven men (including Catholic Priests, a policeman, close relatives and
friends) resulted in the attempted murder of my latest assailant; the
ensuing incarceration and the attempt now to bring the issues of Male
Victimization into focus. I have come out from the main stratum of society
to become a sexual abuse statistic; and a criminal statistic as well. Now,
my desired hope is that I can prevent a victim of Sexual Child Abuse (SCA)
from developing into a criminal statistic, and more importantly, work
towards preventing the SCA statistic in the first place.
FROM THE AUTHOR:
I always thought that I would live a long life in order to tell my story.
But at 52, I doubted that I'd have the strength to really tell what I
needed to say, at some later date. I learned in June 2004 that my
Congestive Heart Failure - Cardiomyopathy, had not improved and that I was
in need of a Heart Transplant. I reminded myself of my pledge 20 years ago
that "If I Might Save One Person's Life" from the misery that I suffered
by telling my story; by having someone read, that there is hope and
recognition for the abused, that you can get help before it's too late,
then I truly will have accomplished something in my lifetime. From 1984
through 1986, I experienced a life of fear in a maximum security prison in
Connecticut and in the States' Mental Institution for the Criminally
Insane. I went back to the notes that I made 20 years ago in my jail cells
of 15 months, and edited all that information as a Male Survivor of Sexual
Child Abuse.
********************
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Part I Chapter 1
Being forced to wake up at 6:30 a.m. for the past month was still very difficult to get used to but compared with the past ten months in jail, I was actually feeling better about it. After all, this was a hospital but much unlike any I had ever been in before. This was the State of Connecticut's Forensic Institute. It can be described as a maximum security prison hospital or the States' hospital for the criminally insane. That's a technical term actually. It's more likely described as the place where those harmful to themselves and violent offenders are housed. Call it a nut house, whatever. These people can't live in the normal mental institution setting or in prison. But I was in a Diagnostic Unit, separate from these individuals yet some of the fifteen I lived with would end up on the other side.
I was here finally, one year exactly from the date of the attempted murder I was charged with. This examination process that I was going through was something that I needed desperately. I wasn't actually thrilled to be here but I was making progress in determining my fate. I was one step closer, a month away, from receiving my sentence. I was nervous and constantly concerned about my future but I was also surviving. I was lucky and through the course of my life's experience I will often refer to that word - luck - because it has been a major factor in making the difference between surviving and self-destruction.
I was gaining strength physically and mentally now. I spent a lot of time investigating into the psychological background of the symptoms I believed I had which would help me have a better understanding for the reasons I committed this crime. I learned for the first time about a condition called the Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. I was reading every bit of material I could get my hands on in the library as well as in the diagnostic manuals. This brief contact with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) began to really stimulate my interest. Could this have happened to me a year ago? It sounded like it was right on the money.
But no one was concerning themselves with the state of my mind at the time of the assault. That really bothered me. I was constantly looking for some explanation over the past year. I was looking for the - why - for my actions of violence against someone. But at this time in Mid-November of 1984 there wasn't much talk about applying PTSD to an adult survivor of sexual child abuse who had traumatized and relived that terrible pain of childhood.
I've heard about the effect of stress as it applies to the psychically wounded Vietnam Veteran as we all have read or heard about so many years after the seventies. Some of the jargon used to describe the condition I experienced goes as follows: I was having recurrent painful, recollections of the events of my childhood. Dreams and nightmares occurred along with reduced involvement with the external world. Depression and anxiety was paramount along with impulse behavioral problems. So, too, was self-defeating behavior with thoughts of suicide. Substance abuse was the worse problem. With all this came the exposure to events that really intensified and resembled the helplessness I felt as a child. This was generally outside the range of the usual experience felt by most and involved a sporadic and unpredictable period of aggressive behavior. There was certainly a lot of impairment affecting every aspect of my life including my job and interpersonal relationships. Guilt resulted because I had survived when others had not but I was more guilt full about my behavior that I had to take in order to survive. I haven't invents these descriptive behaviors and all I wanted to know was - who would decide if this was an accurate assessment of the problem.
A whole year had passed since the trauma unfolded and if someone was going to determine if I had experienced PTSD, it was a bit too late. I believe this is the best description of what happened to me and now in 1987 new information has shed light on the subject. Not only do I believe that I experienced PTSD but many more people in this country are seeing similarities with their experiences of delayed trauma as victims of sexual child abuse. This is precisely what was being discussed among other issues at the 4th National Conference on Sexual Victimization of Children held in 1986 when specialists formed an American Professional Society on Sexual Child Abuse.
I'm not trying to explore with you the deep explanation for a crime. A large percentage of inmates, perhaps as high as 70% of those in correctional facilities are there specifically because they are victims of sexual, physical or emotional abuse and often all of the above. In my case, I'm an inmate specifically because I was taking revenge against the effects of being a victim. I was attacking the victimization. I was here at the hospital as directed by the Courts - to determine only, was I mentally ill and/or was I harmful to myself or to others. No, I wasn't being tested to see why I committed attempted murder. No, I wouldn't be exploring the past child abuse. We were talking about the future. And for the past year all I could talk about was the past and the abuse.
Since October of 1984, I haven't stopped talking about sexual child abuse. I was thirty-three that month; homeless for a period, depressed, alcoholic, barely able to work, uncertain of the future and struggling to survive. To top off the experiences for the month, I was sexually assaulted by the plaintiff in my case and then for the first time in my life, I began to uncan the deep, dark secrets I had contained for twenty-nine years.
This uncanning wasn't an instantaneous thing after the assault on me. A month or more before the assault on me, I began seeing articles in newspapers describing the stories of other victims but moreover the effects victimization had on their lives. Most if not all of the accounts were by or of women and female children. Although I had not read about a male survivor, I still related to the similarities of the effects of abuse. It seems that the next thirty days of my life sped by uncontrollably. On November 12, 1984 I returned to the home of my latest assailant and attempted the murder of that man by shooting him close range with my 22 rifle.
On December 21, 1984 I surrendered to authorities to face the charge. That is a very unexplained summary of the events leading up to the most devastating period of my life. What I have been able to explain, recognize and summarize within these pages is that sexual child abuse leaves lifelong scars that are not easy to define or assimilate.
With millions severely affected by child abuse including an alarming 10 to 15% of all men, I can only hope to illustrate and profile more accurately the manifestation as I have had to deal with it. The long term effects of abuse are real and frightening. What affects me most is the multiple molestations I experienced from the age of four until sixteen. It was seven men all toll. Catholic Priests, a Policeman, close family relatives and friends. People you trust; Role models. People they now call Pedophiles.
Now, in order to get to this hospital which I was in, I had to appear before the Court with a motion for this examination. We, the defense, had to push for this - thanks to the intelligence of my attorney and brother. After all, shouldn't there be some major concern about the mental health status of the defendant in a case involving a violent crime? The State doesn't automatically send every case to a mental hospital. But I can tell you - many more inmates that I lived with in jail would certainly have benefited from a formal examination. Many of their cases and the direction of their lives could be markedly changed for the better, if only someone had taken the time to look into their heads earlier on down the road. We went to the expense of hiring a private Psychiatrist to evaluate me, prior to the scheduled court appearance to substantiate our claim for testing. You might very well agree that an exam be ordered after you read the following report in part. The Psychiatrist stated as follows:
"When I met Mr. Nealus on July 18, 1985 for over 2 1/2 hours he presented himself as a clean, cooperative, alert, outgoing man, who appeared his stated age of 33. He did not express any delusional, paranoid, grandiose or bizarre ideas. His mood appeared to be normal. However, he admittedly experiences inner turmoil and pain regarding past experiences. At times he reportedly does not care whether he lives or dies. He denied that he would ever seriously attempt to take his life. He has very low self-esteem to the point of self-loathing. He appeared to be of above average intellectual capacity. In summary, a formal mental status examination did not reveal any current gross clinical evidence suggestive of psychosis or organic brain impairment. He is depress and has many unresolved inner conflicts. He has gained insight. He seemingly has the motivation and capacity to benefit from Psychotherapy.
Mr. Nealus provided the following past historical information without hesitation. It was considered to be reliable. He remained in control of himself except when he discussed alleged past traumatic sexual experiences. At these points tears welled up in his eyes and he became so choked up that he was unable to speak for brief periods."
The historical information will be dealt with throughout this story and I have taken out these sections of the report simply because there wouldn't be enough space to review this ten page report. And in summary, I have extracted the following:
"Mr. Nealus has a chronic severe alcohol problem with probable additional substance abuse.
- Mr. Nealus may have hypoglycemia, by history, which could play a part in effecting his mood and behavior. This should be clarified by getting his prior glucose tolerance test results. A repeat of this test seems indicated.
- Mr. Nealus apparently was sexually molested as a child and this resulted in strong sexual orientation doubts, guilt, anxiety, depression and for years unexpressed anger. Alcoholism seemingly evolved, with the help of a family pre-disposition for same, and provided escape and temporary comfort from his conflicts and symptoms.
- The victim's alleged unsolicited sexual involvement with Mr. Nealus seemingly released Mr. Nealus's repressed memories of prior similar homosexual activity. Alcohol abuse, lack of sleep and upset over lack of job, economic insecurity and his children moving away, etc. seemingly unleashed many years of pent up rage. Thus, the shooting occurred.
- Mr. Nealus, by his own admission, recognizes that he needs indepth relatively long term inpatient treatment. To release Mr. Nealus back into society without working through his psychological problems, in my opinion, would be taking an unwarranted risk for Mr. Nealus returning to alcoholism and could lead to a repeat of the shooting incident.
Mr. Nealus is a bright, articulate, motivated man, who at this point is detoxified. As a result, I believe that he is currently in the best position to profit from inpatient intensive psychotherapy. If he has this therapy, than he may have a pretty good prognosis, despite the severity and cronicity of his problems.
"I do not believe that Mr. Nealus should be released without the start of inpatient therapy to outpatient therapy, because there is little to suggest that he would not revert back to alcohol abuse and possibly dangerous behavior. This conclusion is based on the following: (1) chronic long term severe alcohol problem (2) no follow through in the past with therapy or A.A. (3) no nearby family of other support system (4) questionable job availability and economic security (5) significant unresolved psychological conflicts that cannot be worked through if he is drinking."
This was just one of the many psychological evaluations I experienced but by far the most thorough. So, with this report, the Judge's remarks appear as follows:
"It is clear from the reports and information before me that their is evidence of a mental illness and the defendant is hereby committed to the Forensic Institute for a 60 day period of examination."
Good, now the State has its chance to evaluate me. They certainly would not take all of the input from our Psychiatrist in order to declare me mentally ill. Plus, it's just procedure to be found "qualified" to enter this hospital. But I have to tell you when I heard the Judge's words that I was mentally ill - boy, the realization that I really, finally had some support to my belief that I had some serious problems - really hit home. Next, though, the State required that a Pre-Diagnostic Evaluation be performed. That was to really determine if I was eligible to enter the hospital. Part of the Pre-Diagnostic Evaluation reads as follows:
"The purpose of this evaluation is to provide the Court with an opinion as to whether Mr. Nealus should be sentenced in accordance with his conviction or committed to the Diagnostic Unit for further diagnostic assessment. Mr. Nealus qualifies for referral under the statute in that he has a history of depression and anxiety masked by chronic use of alcohol and his behavior which resulted in his current charge makes him a danger to others.
In the opinion of this evaluator Mr. Nealus presently merits further diagnostic assessment at the Forensic Institute. A complete medical, psychiatric, and alcohol evaluation should be made in order to clarify the defendant's need for medications, addiction to chemical substances, effects that this will have upon his medical condition, and his initial response to inpatient treatment which may assist the defendant in moving towards outpatient treatment."
So, here I am at the hospital and the - why - for me to have been committed here. But the taking of "my history" was just beginning. I was reminded that no psychotherapy would be performed here. They didn't want to open up my head and then leave me untreated upon my discharge from the hospital. But, in order to give my history to several members of the staff, I had to open up some pretty ugly wounds.
Explaining that I committed a crime because of sexual child abuse - wasn't easy. For a male to bleed his heart out for understanding and compassion - it's certainly against all that we males are raised to be. Yes, this social problem of sexual child abuse affects males too! When I talked to the last staff member before my release I couldn't believe that I had been talking to her for an hour before she understood what I was talking about in reference to the abuse. I just naturally figured that she had read all the reports available before she began our session. Then she asks me;
"You mean, you were a homosexual as a Child."
I could not believe what I was hearing and answered:
"You mean to tell me that you think that a kid who has been molested a number of times by many men during his youth; that this behavior makes the kid a homosexual."
I was flabbergasted. Do people really believe that a kid who is being molested must be participating freely as two adult males would - as in a homosexual love relationship?
Well, anyway, I was pretty well convinced by now after this additional statement of confusion, that I had found the key that would explain my life of "inner conflict". With this uncanning came a false sense of awareness because I figured that sexual abuse had created all my problems; you couldn't convince me otherwise while I was going through these histories.
But it wasn't just the sexual abuse that created all my life's problems and only by voyaging back and forth after these history discussions was I able to align the causes and effects of a lot of experiences. I became more determined to discover what effects these experiences as a child and adolescent could shed upon my life. And I did this by spending countless hours - just thinking. I was looking for explanations. Can you imagine being an adult - discovering finally that you have some kind of control yet having a false sense of courage because of alcohol? And reliving sexual child abuse, that repressed anger of not being strong enough to fight back - to say no; the uncontrollableness and the adult compulsiveness to try to gain control; being the victim - but now you have the power to take revenge. And that the only way to gain my self-respect and determine my worth was my ability to take revenge on those who had wronged me. I essentially needed to blame someone and something for me to have lived a life dead set on self-destruction.
I've heard many parents including single parents say, that if they found out someone had touched or molested their child - that they would kill them. Well, what if you saw yourself as that child and in fact were that child reliving the helplessness - yet you knew now that you could fight back? That's hostility - to say it mildly. And that's where my head was at once I realized that being a victim of sexual child abuse - can kill.
What happens today - to me, a child or adolescent and the perpetrator has Aids? There is so much money being poured into the battle against Aids - mostly now because of its effect on the heterosexual community. But how about pouring more money into the prevention of sexual child abuse? Who will be the first child to contract Aids from being sexually molested? If it has already happened, we haven't heard about it yet. And when it does, I will certainly be one of the first to shed tears. When a male child is raped, as I was, don't we have more to fear than the problems I experienced and will be discussing? A child like me who was afraid to tell his parents about the abuse but becomes so ill that he will die. Where will we all stand when and if this comes to pass?
These thoughts are but a few that engulfed me for days after these history sessions. After several hours of trying to tell the history of your life, you really come away with the lid popping off your head. The first impression given to me with regards to what "disorder" I was afflicted with was termed passive-aggressive. That is what my personality was believed to demonstrate more than any other problems that I might have. I wondered - was this supposed to be an explanation for why I shot someone.
Well, after lengthy tests over several weeks, here's what really came out. This again is only part of the report which was presented to the Court. This is supposed to be really where my head was at in December of 1985:
"Other aspects of mental status revealed the Mr. Nealus appeared to be of above average intelligence and to have a good fund of general knowledge. He was able to express his thoughts and communicate his ideas in a clear, logical and coherent manner. There was no obvious defect noted in registration, recall, recent or remote memory. Insight and judgment appeared good within this setting.
Cognitive assessment of Mr. Nealus indicated that he has superior intellectual ability ( I.Q. is greater than 120; with a second estimate equal to or greater than 130) that places him in the top 9% of the general population.
The results from the personality test as well as the clinical data from staff reports, patients records, and interviews were consistent and characterized Mr. Nealus as suffering from a personality disorder (a disorder in character).
Mr. Nealus is best characterized as deficient in impulse control. he will use a mechanism of projection of angry or manevolent feelings of frustration, that arise out of his own unrecognized dependency needs, as a ego defense. Further; though the occasions on which there is a breakdown in this defense mechanism are infrequent, Mr. Nealus is capable of very serious assaultive behavior when they do breakdown. This assaultive capacity is the direct result of the disorder of character and is not the product of a mental illness. His other psychological problems also arose as a direct result of these unresolved dependency conflicts; and fuel problems in the areas of sexual and marital adjustment and significantly contributed to the development of his sociopathic traits. Mr. Nealus has also noted to use compulsive behaviors in an effort to control and/or to conceal these more sociopathic feelings of hostility and resentment (usually directed toward persons that he depends on). he often experiences maladjusted preoccupations about his masculinity, dysphoria or dysthymic mood states, and periods of low frustration tolerance that all arise out of his unresolved dependency need."
My diagnosis was as follows but I won't include all the terms used as psychological definitions. These are in order as listed, assuming the worse was listed first;
"Alcohol abuse, continuous;
Mixed substance abuse, episodic (opioids, cannibais, cocaine);
Dependency Personality Disorder with compulsive traits (Principal);
Antisocial Personality Traits;
It was the consensus of the Diagnostic Team that Mr. Nealus is not mentally ill nor of danger to himself or others as a result of a mental defect. The team declined to recommend probation and returns the defendant for sentencing in accordance with his conviction. The team physician and Director advised that Mr. Nealus could avail himself of treatment available at the correctional facility. The Director further advised that if Mr. Nealus did so, this agency would look favorable upon a request (near the end of his incarceration period) to return to this institution for more intensive psychotherapy."
So, there we have it. Do you see any mention of the effects of sexual child abuse? I see dependency need problems, and of course those fuel problems in the areas of sexual and marital adjustment, and of course preoccupations about his masculinity. But then again I'm not a psychiatrist and child abuse doesn't cause all your problems. I guess I was happy that I wasn't mentally ill.
I was released from the hospital on December 10, 1985 and sentenced on December 13, 1985. The discussions from that hearing will follow later. I had plea bargained my charge down to Assault in the 2nd Degree with a firearm. I was sentenced to three years - suspended after two, with three years probation. I was shipped off to the Big house and the first thing that I did was to write the Director at the Forensic Institute to request admittance to that institution for more intensive psychotherapy as they had suggested. I had served twelve months while awaiting sentencing, and that time would be credited to my remaining time. I could have an additional six months to serve as part of the two year sentence. I never got to the Institute again although I was nearing the end of my term and here is the reason why as stated in this letter to me by the Director:
"As mentioned in my previous letter to you, I have since met with the staff to discuss your case and the proposal to come back here for treatment prior to your release.
Following a lengthy discussion it was decided against you being admitted here for the following reasons:
(1) Following a transfer to the Institute it generally takes some considerable time managing some basic issues such as all the staff becoming acquainted with you; as you know you would not be returning to the Diagnostic Unit but to an Extended Treatment Unit. As time is of the essence in your case it would not be in your best interests.
(2) Barring very few exceptions we do not release patients directly into the community from the Institute. This is done by other facilities that are not maximum security. Those cases that we do work out from here have been with us for many years and are highly selected so that the risk of recidivism is minimal.
(3) When your report was written by us it was stated that before any consideration was given to your return here you must have been actively involved in treatment.
(4) But, more importantly, now that time is short and you will soon be released it was felt that the best avenue of approach for you was to seek long term treatment on an outpatient basis. There is no question that you have problems and these, in our opinion, would be better dealt with in the community. Long term in-patient care would, in fact, be counterproductive in your case.
Follow up treatment for you in the community is of paramount importance and the sooner that is arranged the better. It is not clear either whether you plan to remain in Connecticut for the foreseeable future or to return to Massachusetts.
Therefore, I would strongly recommend that you contact your probation officer and discuss these points with him so as to plan for a smooth transition back into the community where you can get treatment on an outpatient basis. You do not have too much difficulty adjusting to institutional life, but that is not what gets you into difficulties; it is life's vicissitudes that do. Thus, our recommendation for outpatient treatment."
Well, for the next three months I was jerked around through three other institutions. I wasn't in any one place long enough to get any treatment. I had gone now fifteen months without any constructive treatment or therapy. Then on March 19, 1986, I was dumped out on the street. I had served my required time. The jails were too overcrowded. Well, I was thankful for that but now I had to figure out how I was going to restructure my life.
I had gone from October of 1984 to March 1986 uncanning a trauma that was described as "life's vicissitudes", least I should not forget the trauma of being in jail surrounded by guys who were convicted child abusers; they don't separate victims from perpetrators. Why should they; weren't the majority of inmates victims themselves. Well, the rest of my experience will describe just how I got from four to thirty-four. And after it is stated - I hope the world will get a better understanding for the need our society has to separate the victims earlier on in life, and provide for more prevention of child abuse.
[authors note: "Nealus" is a nickname the Irish use for Cornelius. I have chosen to use "Nealus" to describe myself - my "pen" name]
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