AN INCH FROM MURDER
Book And My Story
Reviews
Testimonials
From Amazon.com
"An Inch From Murder: My Life as a Male Victim of Sexual Child Abuse"
by Nealus - Buy
Here
From the Publisher
"An Inch From Murder: My Life as a Male Victim of Sexual Child Abuse"
by Nealus - Purchase Here
ISBN
978-1-58939-730-9. $15.95. Softcover. 322 Pages.
An Inch From Murder was written 20 years ago and is now being
brought to print for the very first time and deals with life as a Male
Victim of Sexual Child Abuse. Drawing from the memory of past molestations
from the age of four until sixteen, a trauma unfolded in adulthood
profiling Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. The uncanning of the abuse by
seven men (including Catholic Priests, a policeman, close relatives and
friends) resulted in the attempted murder of my latest assailant; the
ensuing incarceration and the attempt now to bring the issues of Male
Victimization into focus. I have come out from the main stratum of society
to become a sexual abuse statistic; and a criminal statistic as well. Now,
my desired hope is that I can prevent a victim of Sexual Child Abuse (SCA)
from developing into a criminal statistic, and more importantly, work
towards preventing the SCA statistic in the first place.
FROM THE AUTHOR:
I always thought that I would live a long life in order to tell my story.
But at 52, I doubted that I'd have the strength to really tell what I needed to
say, at some later date. I learned in June 2004 that my Congestive Heart Failure
- Cardiomyopathy, had not improved and that I was in need of a Heart Transplant.
I reminded myself of my pledge 20 years ago that "If I Might Save One Person's
Life" from the misery that I suffered by telling my story; by having someone
read, that there is hope and recognition for the abused, that you can get help
before it's too late, then I truly will have accomplished something in my
lifetime. From 1984 through 1986, I experienced a life of fear in a maximum
security prison in Connecticut and in the States' Mental Institution for the
Criminally Insane. I went back to the notes that I made 20 years ago in my jail
cells of 15 months, and edited all that information as a Male Survivor of Sexual
Child Abuse.
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I appreciate your having the courage to come forward and share. I find that it
really helps other victims to know that they are not alone in their pain and
their feelings. I am also writing about the experiences of my own childhood
sexual abuse. My experience was very different from yours but I know all too
well your pain.
I was referred to your book by a defense attorney in Richmond that is handling
the capital murder case of a young man here in Virginia. He has been accused of
killing the man that abducted and assaulted me as a child. He was also the
victim of childhood sexual abuse. She was hoping to gain some insight into this
young man's mind by reading about your experiences.
We are working very hard to save this young man's life so maybe your desire to
help others through this book will result in saving him as well.
pma
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Your story is very compelling.
It is very graphic and understandably so. My heart goes out to you for
having to have experienced this sexual child abuse by so many perpetrators.
You have so much strength in having been able to write about this.
Wendy
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From The Group at:
Pandora's Aquarium - A
Message Board For Survivors
It sounds like you have a fascinating life story (I hope
you don't mind my saying that. I don't mean to downplay the tragedy, just that I
think of writing my own autobiography now and then and yours sounds like it
would be infinitely more interesting). I don't know if you included your
personal story in your book, but I'd love to read it if it's out now or know
when it will be.
Anyway... something about your writing style reminds me of my grandmother, who
is a good deal older than you, but Irish and a great writer. So, I wanted to say
hi. Positive vibes to you! Prayers for your heart. And welcome to Pandys.
Caristy
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I already like your
wit and encouragement to write (I'm a bit of an obsessive journaller).
Sister
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You obviously
have such strength, Nealus, because you have survived sca, jail, and your heart
problems. Just one of those by themselves would be too much for some people to
endure. You are obviously a survivor.
It sounded like you were trying to compare the trauma from these different
tragedies. It's really hard to say I'm sure. Because each of them in
themselves are there own traumas and carry with them their own issues. I am
sure each of them are extremely painful in their own ways. And until you've
been through them all, no one can really say but you.
Survivor
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I just read through some of your blog. Straight away I felt I had to come and
say something to you. Well done Nealus, for surviving, for not letting your
anger consume you and claim the rest of your life from you.
You are inspiring Nealus, thank you.
Melanie
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Your subject actually prompted me to think of something entirely different that
I wanted to share. It's been about a year since my first rape as an adult
(let's not get into the csa and rape by my step-father here), and I have noticed
several significant, positive changes since then. I've gotten on this going out
and trying new things kick, and now that I am sober, I can do this much more
safely!!! I've joined a ladies' field hockey league and I am also starting an
art class Sept 30th. Just curious as to how you've seen yourself evolve over
the years. Are you finding that your sense of adventure is increasing along with
your comfort level? What are you doing to discover you?
I send you my best, and I hope that you stick around. Pandy's is a wonderful
place, full of wisdom and insight from some very kind, caring people. I hope
you make this your "home" and I look forward to reading your posts.
Melissa
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I looked at
your website and I admire you for being such a survivor. Yes, it is such a
shame (to put it mildly) that 20 years ago people just put their heads in the
sand. I'm glad that the issues have finally surfaced for male victims of sca --
that people are finally believing it and taking it seriously. I'm sorry though
that no one was there for you back then. Today, your voice can rise up and be
heard.
Your story is one that should be on Oprah. (I mean that as a compliment.) It
is one of great strength and the ability to overcome great suffering and move
forward. You are an inspiration.
Survivor
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STORY and BLOG COMMENTS
It always amazes me that people
can act like this towards other people, especially children. Maybe I'm naive,
but I think there's something wrong with the world.
Melanie AU
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Wow, this is some full on
stuff. I assume, since this is in the past & that you're reliving it, that
you've managed to move past it somehow.
Many blessings to you.
Coralie AU
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I wish you the best of luck for your book,
and your journey to recovery. You are a brave man!!
Menina UK
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Like you I have been through all this
crap, I was lucky I never ended up in jail and like you i am trying to write a
book about my dysfunctional upbringing, my grooming and my abuse and a lifetime
of addictions and mental health problems. Spread the word and educate the public
is the only way to go.
Dan UK
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Welcome to the survivor blog realm! I learned about your blog from Mike.
I too am a survivor of sexual and emotional abuse and have been blogging about
my journey for just over a year.
I hope that blogging helps you continue to find strength, courage and hope.
Leah
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I did see your blog and the mention of my
donation. I am extremely touched that my donation is such a positive for you.
I hope that this first donation will encourage others to send you donations to
help with your book.
Priests and Clergy have done so much sex abuse and there are many that need
healing - and I think mostly men that were and are being abused by the Catholic
Church. Your story in book form will help many. There is not enough yet
written about sex abuse done to men. Women have been speaking up, but it is
probably harder for men to speak up about it.
Anonymous
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I just found your website today and took several minutes to look through your
site. I'm SO glad to see a website about male sex abuse. I'm sure that it is
harder as a boy to experience sex abuse. I congratulate you on your strength to
put up your website and tell your story.
When these things are made public, it makes it easier for others to also speak
up - and people speaking up is the only way to shed the light on this for it to
come to a halt - or at least hopefully dramatically decrease.
Human nature, unfortunately, gets pretty ugly.
I pray that you have strength as you write your book and do your website.
Your website will also help people - I'm sure it already is helping many!
Nancy
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The Catholic Church has left a lot of destruction
in so many lives. I feel that the Catholic Church deserves to be broke.
Their switching funds between parishes makes me mad. They have been caught
switching or trying to switch funds to avoid paying lawsuits to those whose
lives they ruined. Not only was the criminal act done by a person of the
church, but the church itself knew and tried to cover it up. This
constitutes criminal behavior by the Catholic Church itself, in my opinion.
I feel this re-abuses the victim and allows more to be abused because they did
not try to put to a stop to this behavior. The Catholic church needs to be
broke when they allow and tolerate this abuse.
Anonymous
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I have read Chapter One and all I can think of is
- is this is scary stuff, not the abuse, that was bad in itself, but the
similarities in our stories.
There are certain words that jump out at you when you realise that someone has
gone through what you are going through and many a time, I have thanked my lucky
stars that I was an alcoholic and not a mental case. I have spent five
years in differing nut houses and was completely misdiagnosed and labeled "a
pain in the arse alcoholic", when all along I was suffering from clinical
depression. Even as an inpatient I never disclosed my sexual abuse, I
would mention that I had relationships with men and had been "on the game" when
the need arose, I never told them my age of the first sexual assault on
me, that was fourteen.
You quote:
"I was having recurrent painful, recollections of the events of my childhood.
Dreams and nightmares occurred along with reduced involvement with the external
world. Depression and anxiety was paramount along with impulse behavioral
problems. So, too, was self-defeating behavior with thoughts of suicide.
Substance abuse was the worse problem".
That sure sounds like me, another quote was: My alcoholism hid my memories of
past abuse that was the reason for drinking in the first place, I would get hit
by huge triggers on gaining sobriety that very nearly sent me over the edge and
really drove me to disclose with the help of a load of unfortunate or fortunate
coincidences.
"Since October of 1984, I haven't stopped talking about sexual child abuse".
Same here except I started to disclose in 2001 and I cant stop talking about it
now and that's after a years and a half of one to one counseling, I'm afraid
getting my story told has become something of an obsession. I also feel
that I only get my self worth/image from being a survivor. I still cannot
see anything good in me (still) but I know I'm a brilliant godfather and
grandparent, but not in an over protective way. I have made it a
discipline to listen to what my grandchildren (only two can talk at present) are
actually saying to me, something I never got from my parents (very
dysfunctional). My grandfather on my mothers side was my best friend,
unfortunately he died prior to me being abused.
"People you trust; Role models. People they now call Pedophiles".
I was always told by my parents that if I was a naughty boy I would be kidnapped
by the circus or taken away by gypsies, they also warned me of the "dirty old
man" stereotype, they said nothing about the clean educated, well traveled ones,
role models as you say, that's another reason for me telling my story.
Here in the UK we still see them as dirty old men they do exist but I feel that
they are in the minority. I have never met a homosexual in a homeless
hostel other than a staff member who assaulted me under the pretext of a
medical, I had been sent to the hostel by order of the court. I was
trapped.
"At times he reportedly does not care whether he lives or dies. He denied
that he would ever seriously attempt to take his life. He has very low
self-esteem to the point of self-loathing. He appeared to be of above
average intellectual capacity. In summary, a formal mental status
examination did not reveal any current gross clinical evidence suggestive of
psychosis or organic brain impairment. He is depressed and has many
unresolved inner conflicts. He has gained insight".
I always had a good insight into my addictions, I became fascinated with them as
they gave me clues to who I was, or so I thought, less so with CSA but I'm
learning every day but I tend to over analyze.
Just one other thing. I wish I could write with your clarity.
Dan UK
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I can't remember now how I found you but having done so I was moved by your
writing and felt it was something as many people as possible should read, so I
did my small bit. To be honest I haven't finished reading all your blog, I
keep popping back and reading a bit more when I get the time.
I feel humbled by your experience, your courage is immense and I wish you all
the good fortune in the world for your future.
gemmak uk
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I am deeply sorry for your life as I know someone
who has had a very similar experience and I know what it did to him and how the
hurt goes on and on. At the same time I applaud you, for writing.
You are a very brave man.
I know from experience that it helps to put feelings down on paper. I hope
you benefit greatly from this therapy. And I hope that you now find peace
and some deserved release.
Many cheers.
Rose
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I'm sorry about the awful things that happen to you. And I am truly sorry that
you are the one to land in jail. It is really sad how the bad always
escape, and the good is caught in the net, You are telling a great story, and
it's true.
It's very sad that your own family could be such a part of your nightmare.
Skywalkz
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This is a serious issue that needs to be looked upon. I understand that
this can happen, not only to women, but to males themselves. I've heard articles
of the same thing happening around my college area. It's a real scary and
horrible world out there.
EverCrystal
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Wow. . . This was an "eye-opening" read. I am very honored to have the
chance to read this, your "story" as it were.
Anonymous
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