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April 30, 2005
Excerpts from sexual assault survivors
Excerpts from 12 sexual assault survivors' contributions to "Voices of Courage: Inspiration from Survivors of Sexual Assault" are printed here with permission of the editor, Michael Domitrz.
Barb
"There's going to be nothing left ... nothing left ... Oh, my God, there's going to be nothing left." I must have said that to myself a hundred times as he was raping me on the cement basement floor. "There's going to nothing left ... nothing left ... nothing left of me."
There was plenty left. Of course, you couldn't have convinced me of that at the time. I felt totally void, as cold as that cement floor. But I was not destroyed by this experience. Instead, I am stronger than I was before. After my rape, I played over and over again a favorite song that gave me strength. One line in the song resonated for me: "Spirit is something no one destroys." I fell back on those words all the time; still do. It is a belief that has held up through talking with other survivors of sexual assault for the past 18 years.
Often, I am asked how I can work as an advocate for women who have been sexually victimized: "Don't I find it depressing and sad?" I reply no. I am inspired by the resiliency of the human spirit.
Gabriel
As a gay man, I am still asked if I feel that my sexual orientation stems from my sexual abuse as a child, and I have also found that a common fear among male victims is that what happened might somehow make them gay. I understand that a lot of people think this, but I certainly don't. Just because a member of the same sex does something to you does not make you a homosexual. Being molested did not make me gay, it made me hurt and isolated. My personal belief is that people have no control over their sexual orientation, just like their eye color, hair color, etc. Sexuality is not something that someone can force on you, or take away from you. ...
I live my life now knowing that what I have to say can make a difference, both in my own life and in the lives of others. I am not afraid to speak up anymore because my voice was heard and believed. I have even begun to mend some of the relationships that were torn apart when I first came forward. ... There are others with whom I may never be reconciled, but I have accepted that. Most importantly, I feel that justice was served. I feel whole again.
Ben
Feb. 28, 1998, is a day that will stick with me for the rest of my life. It is the day that I was raped. It happened at an off- campus party during my freshman year of college. I don't remember much of that evening other than arriving and having a few drinks. My next memory is waking up on the floor of my dorm shower, crying silently. But this isn't about my rape; it's about what I did afterwards.
(At the hospital), they didn't find any traces of DNA, but they did find in my blood traces of rohypnol and gamma hydroxyl butyrate (GHB), two drugs known to dampen sensation and negatively affect a person's memory...
It wasn't until I was home that summer that I called the hot line (Rape, Incest & Abuse Network). I was having nightmares and hadn't slept well in a couple of weeks. It was affecting my job and my social life, and friends were beginning to worry about me. My parents were beginning to wonder what was wrong, and despite our close connection, I couldn't bring myself to tell them ... I called (the hot line), and they put me in contact with a trained counselor who dealt with a lot of male sexual assaults. That night, I talked for three hours about what had happened. I listened to the counselor as she told me about others who had endured similar situations. That's when I knew that I wasn't alone, that there really were other guys who had been raped.
Caroline
About 2 years ago, you forced sex on me after what had begun as a fun and innocent evening. You probably think what you did was "casual," no big deal, just a logical ending to a great date. But what you did was hurtful and harmful both physically and emotionally. I am still dealing with the consequences of your actions. ...
Although I feel more guarded and less carefree than I did before it happened, I also feel more aware. I place more value on friendship. I am more in tune with myself. I am better able to recognize when others are hurting. I still get excited about the little things in life, like I did before you hurt me. I am increasingly confident. The consequences of your actions - the pain you caused - challenged me to find and understand myself. I am now closer to friends and family. I've discovered an inner strength I never knew I had. I've realized that it's OK to not be OK. My faith was rocked, but I'm discovering a new relationship with God. I have discovered a lot. I have discovered me.
Karen
I remember the actual rape as if I had been floating above my bed watching the scene from the ceiling. He kept jabbing at me with the knife, saying, "This is all your fault. You should have let me come home. What happens between a man and his wife is nobody's business." I thought, "If I move, the knife is going to slip and I will die."
The few months after the rape were the worst of my life. I thought they would never catch Ron and, even if they did, I believed he would never be convicted (he was). To this day, many people don't believe that a husband can be guilty of rape against his wife. ...
The rape and its aftermath gave me the will, strength and ability to become an advocate for other survivors. ... Tragedy can be turned into triumph. Survivors of sexual assault can and must be heard - through poetry, art, music or public speaking. We can each work toward prevention of sexual assault and we can provide support for victims in our own way - by volunteering in a shelter, on a hot line, or perhaps by pursuing a career in medicine, law, or social services. In a culture where rape depends on a conspiracy of silence, survivors who speak out heal more than themselves.
Donna Judith Herman, author of the classic "Trauma and Recovery," writes that we must reclaim our past when we work through trauma. We need to do things we left undone and pursue things we might only have dreamed about. ... That is what I have finally done, I revel in my personal and professional success, making films about music, the arts, love stories, and more. I love playing golf with my husband and my son, showing off my 13 handicap, and directing musicals that help kids ignite their souls ... and I continue to speak on mental health issues and rape prevention.
And I laugh and laugh and laugh. When you meet me, you can't tell that I have been through this and so much more. There are times I wish, however, that I was a non- raped woman. I wish that my spouse did not have to deal with all that pain. But then I get a call from a married woman who was raped by a pastor. The only man she had ever been intimate with was her husband, until she met her own local Reverend Rapist. We talk for hours. I make her laugh, a sentiment she did not think was possible. I connect her with lawyers, with therapists, with people who can help put her life back together. I see that it is all worth it.
Cheri
It has been 15 years since I was raped at knifepoint in my apartment. I am a rape survivor, but there is more to "survival" than simply coming out of the attack alive. Survival is a process that molds you into the person that you will become. I am very proud of who I am, and I owe so much of that to my family and friends. ...
I believe things happen for a reason. For some reason, I was raped. For some reason, I was a person who would live through it and move on. ... Some wonderful events have occurred as a result of my rape. That's right! I said WONDERFUL things. For one, I met my wonderful husband who is also an awesome father, and we have five crazy, wild and loving children. In addition, with help early on from my husband, my brother has become a nationally renowned speaker on sexual assault. ...
Recovering from a rape is a long and often difficult process, but walk away knowing that it was NOT your fault. I did. I knew I had done nothing wrong. ... Believe and trust in yourself and know that being raped, although devastating, is a single, uncontrollable event in your life.
Juliette
He sat on my bed and began to kiss me, but this time I did not enjoy it as much as I had before. I pulled away and tried to talk to him, but he had other plans. I could tell by the look in his eyes and the way that he was grabbing me that I was in danger. I told him to let go of me and to stop grabbing me so forcefully. In seconds, he had managed to take off my shirt and overalls and everything underneath, as well as his own clothing - it seemed he had done this before. I remembered the words of the girl who said he was a violent drunk and I was terrified. ...
Each day, when I tell my story, I wish more than anything that I could conclude by saying that my attacker is now in jail or that he has sought help and is no longer a danger to any of us. Instead, I finish by saying that he was never given an appropriate sanction for the acts he committed against me. ...
I now know what I want people in this world to learn from me: that I will not let anyone blame me or punish me for being a victim, that I remained strong even when it seemed hopeless, and I never doubted what I knew to be the truth.
Angela
We had gotten along great up to that point. He began to kiss my neck, then tried again to unbutton my shirt. This time I tried to push him away, but he ripped open my shirt and tripped me, sending me falling onto the carpet. I was alarmed at how aggressive he'd become and I began to feel scared. He said, "Come on, I can tell you like me." He held me down with is forearm across my neck, leaving his other hand free to undress himself and me. I kept telling him to let me go, but he wouldn't. He just kept saying over and over again, "Trust me, you'll love it." My body froze and my mind felt numb. ...
A few days later, I finally felt ready to report the assault to the police. A friend of mine accompanied me to the police station. He believed me and told me it wasn't my fault. It's funny how much of a difference one person's words can make. Those words made me feel that I would be able to make it through my ordeal. ...
Deciding to work with victims of crime has been one of the best decisions that I have ever made. Not only have I been able to continue my never-ending healing process, I have been able to help others who have gone through similar experiences to navigate their way through the legal system and to find their courage to heal. Even though my assailant was never prosecuted, I have found tremendous satisfaction in supporting victims and in making sure their perpetrators are held accountable.
Adrienne
I was 19 years old and at a party with some friends from work. We were having a great time, drinking and socializing. I remember dancing on the lawn. Then suddenly, I was in the back seat of a car with three strange men I didn't know. What was happening? Who were these people? Where were they taking me? ...
Although I couldn't remember what had happened beforehand, I knew I needed to get control of what was going to happen next. That's when I began to beg and plead, but to no avail. They did whatever they wanted to me. ...
I had been drugged and sexually assaulted. ... Finally at home, I thought, "At least it's all over." Little did I know, it had just begun. ...
Three years of love, life and laughter, as well as three years of pain, anger and frustration. I have learned and grown so much in such a short time. And it has all stemmed from that one horrible event, which altered my world forever.
I'm no longer upset when I think about it. I don't think "what if" anymore. I don't wonder what my life might be like had I never been assaulted. I've come to the realization that, although you can't change the past, you can shape the future.
Linda
When I woke up a fourth time to see a man standing over my bed, I was overcome by terror.
I tried to scream but no sound emerged. The man put a cold metal object to my throat and told me not to make any noise. The fog of sleep lifted and I knew without a doubt that my life was in danger. The man put a pillow over my face and proceeded to rape me over the course of what seemed like hours. ...
In a couple of years, my life will be divided right down the middle - 25 years before the rape and 25 years after. The two halves of my life are very different. Before the rape, I didn't know much about the evil that exists in our world, but then I met it face-to-face. Since then, I have learned that because I survived the rape, I can get through most of what my life throws at me. I have discovered a passion for reaching out to others who have been touched by evil. In "A Farewell to Arms," Ernest Hemingway wrote, "The world breaks everyone, and afterward many are strong at the broken places." I know that by the grace of God, those words are true for me.
Shirley
I was a suicidal person
Until I became a mother.
I struggled,
But suicide was no longer an option for me.
Mothers don't do that to their children, I told myself.
But the pain continued.
Forty-three: a great professional life!
Personally?
Divorced, single parent, bad relationship.
I was miserable.
One night I found myself in a 12-step program.
The healing began
... I chose healing.
In those first few months,
I learned coping skills
That prepare me.
For coming crises.
Forty-four: I discovered where my childhood went.
I discovered that my father is a pedophile.
Beyond difficult.
But supportive people were in my life.
Gone were Shame, Depression and Anger.
Everything I needed to recover had been put in my path.
I was told,
"You are only as sick as your secrets."
And out they poured.
A turning point:
I gave up the hope of a different childhood.
Why do we hold on to such things?
Posted by Nealus at April 30, 2005 05:54 PM
