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September 20, 2004

Sibling conflicts can turn tragic

Veering into abuse: Rivalry among brothers and sisters is normal - up to a point
By Brooke Adams -- The Salt Lake Tribune

Kids will be kids, we say.
All the teasing, taunting, bickering and roughhousing among siblings hardly gets a second thought because it seems such a natural - even necessary - part of shared childhood.
Then something like this happens: Roy police allege that a 13-year-old boy shot his 16-year-old brother to death after the older boy struck him with a stick and began to chase him. The younger teen allegedly used a gun he had taken from another relative and hidden in the family's home. Police said they had been called once before to the home to break up a fight between the brothers.
The case is a painful reminder that what goes on among siblings isn't always so innocent.
In fact, experts say, sibling abuse is the most common form of domestic violence, occurring far more frequently than spouse or child abuse. Yet its potentially destructive nature is rarely recognized.
One widely touted study in the late 1980s by scholars Richard J. Gelles, of the University of Pennsylvania's School of Social Work, and Murray Straus, co-director of the Family Research Laboratory at the University of New Hampshire, estimated that more than 36 million acts of sibling aggression occur annually, ranging from minor acts such as pushing to major violence such as choking. Leave out minor abuse - such as slapping, biting and throwing things - and about three in 100 children are "dangerously violent" toward a sibling, the researchers found.
"People will say that all kids fight, call each other names and some kids play doctor," said Vernon Wiehe, author of What Parents Need to Know about Sibling Abuse and other books on the subject and an emeritus professor at the University of Kentucky. "All kids engage in rivalry. What follows from that is how to separate rivalry that is normal from abuse, which is not."

Complicated relationships: The sibling relationship is, for many people, a wellspring of support and camaraderie - and typically the longest of human relationships. "It far exceeds the time you know your parents and the time you know your significant other," said Joel Milgram, a professor emeritus at the University of Cincinnati who has studied siblings.
And yet, Milgram said that nearly 75 percent of the people who participated in one of his studies reported they held rivalrous feelings about a sibling.
In most cases, such feelings yield nothing more than bickering or persistent competition for a parent's attention.
Constructive rivalry helps children learn to manage conflict, according to psychologist Stephen Bank, author of the seminal book The Sibling Bond.
Destructive sibling abuse, on the other hand, can cause physical harm and emotional scars that shape a person for life.
"Sibling abuse is a very serious problem with American children. It is basically ignored or called sibling rivalry, and some children suffer terribly because of it," Wiehe said in a telephone interview.
Many acts may occur without parents even being aware of what is happening in their homes, such as when one sibling is caring for others. And parents may be loath to seek outside help, even in cases of extreme maltreatment, which is why, experts say, the problem is underreported.
In Utah, one glimpse of the problem comes from cases that arise from calls made to the state Division of Child and Family Services.
The agency found that sibling abuse constituted 4.3 percent of the 8,232 cases it substantiated between July 2003 and July 2004. In most of those cases - 61 percent - the perpetrator was a full-blood brother who picked on other siblings.
The most common act: sexual abuse, followed by physical abuse and then emotional maltreatment.

Causes, responses: One woman interviewed by The Salt Lake Tribune reported that for a portion of her teenage years she utterly despised a younger sibling.
"I used to beat the crap out of her," said the woman, who asked to not be identified.

"I think there was a time when my parents were afraid to leave me alone with her."
Beyond that, she has a hard time remembering how her parents handled the situation or what triggered her hatred.
Experts say such aggression can have myriad causes. A child may believe parents overly favor or, conversely, also dislike the mistreated sibling. They may be acting out violence observed between parents or in the media, or exercising power over a younger, more vulnerable sibling.
Eventually, this woman and her sibling came to be "really great friends," although she says the sister doesn't recall the mistreatment.
But such events often remain vivid memories into adulthood.
"When sibling relationships are bad, it produces profound hurt in childhood that sometimes never gets resolved," said Deborah Ascione, a senior lecturer in the Family, Consumer and Human Development program at Utah State University.
It is common for individuals who were mistreated by siblings to reach adulthood still bitter, yearning for an apology and wary of the sibling who victimized him or her, Ascione said.
Experts say the way parents react to even minor sibling aggression influences both the course the behavior may take, often allowing it to escalate, as well as children's responses to it.
Nonchalance is typical, and many parents underestimate the impact of sibling aggression, Ascione said. "Parents will turn to children and say, 'It's part of growing up, you have to learn to solve your own problems,' which is telling the victim child, 'You are on your own.' "
Another common response is to minimize or deny the seriousness of any injuries inflicted by one child on another. "When the victim child reacts to pain by crying and goes to the parents, the parents will say, 'It's not that bad; grow up and quit being a baby.' "
Sometimes parents will turn to the victimized child and ask what he or she did to provoke a sibling.
Instead, parents need to assess whether the behavior has crossed the line from mere rivalry into abuse and, if it has, intervene. Difficult as it may be, professional help may be necessary, Ascione said.
In his book on siblings, Bank suggests positive parenting can reinforce a healthy sibling bond by being effective referees, avoiding favoritism, applying rules and penalties consistently, intervening appropriately and being aware of the larger contexts that may drive aggressive behavior. brooke@sltrib.com

Signs of sibling abuse

Sorting out normal conflict and abuse in sibling relationships may be difficult. Experts say parents can help determine whether petty rivalry is veering into abuse by using these questions to assess the seriousness of the behavior:

Is one child constantly a victim of the other child?

How frequently does it occur and how long has it been going on? Has a pattern been established?

Is the behavior age-appropriate?

Does the behavior seem to serve a purpose, such as exertion of power and control over another sibling?

Sources: Vernon Wiehe, professor emeritus, University of Kentucky; Deborah Ascione, senior lecturer, Utah State University Family, Consumer and Human Development Department.

Posted by Nealus at September 20, 2004 11:06 PM

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