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July 06, 2004
Continuation of the “Assault On The Past”
After a divorce from marriage of seven years, I again found myself an adolescent – it paralyzed me. Now, seven years after the divorce in 1979, I still find myself lacking a meaningful relationship with a woman and was only able to recently realize the end of one emotionally abusive engagement. I always somehow knew that this life was held in a strict balance that could easily be tipped back towards a non-heterosexual identity. I learned this through an experience at eighteen. My college dorm counselor was available to assist me with my struggle and confusion stemming from a separation with the woman that I would eventually marry. His method of understanding and comfort was to suggest a physical relationship between us, which at first I almost submitted to because I was so programmed to this method of problem solving; substance abuse and sex. I denied his pleasure and I remember focusing on the anger, depression, and humiliation that a resolution like he was suggesting would bring. For two years, I had been able to reject the playing around by the “friends” in my life.
Now, years later, I again feel threatened by my lack of success with women; my feelings are of isolation and of being different from others, of being “marked”. I know now that environmental influences are responsible for many people’s future sexual preferences. If others like myself were nurtured into puberty 9interrupting the latency period) and were lead to feel that homosexuality is a natural choice of preference, then in my opinion, some people resort to this sexual indulgence because of their experiencing sexual abuse as a child and can probably only identify with adult homosexuality. I was fortunate as a teen to have had a stronger urge for girls and remain fully committed to spending my life with a woman.
People say to me now, “Take these experiences and learn from them”. This is easy for others to say; it wasn’t so easy for me. In the days preceding my actions of assault, a trauma was unfolding – I was possessed with thoughts of needing to blame for the material and emotional losses in my life. I looked back with malice and contempt at the course my childhood and adolescence took and at the people that I trusted to guide me on those courses. Today, therapy is helping me reprogram my behavioral patterns. I look at the counseling thankfully now because I have been given the opportunity – with the supervision of the Probation Department – to remain in society after having my emotions lash out in a nearly disastrous manner. I unleashed all my frustrations against my latest molester in an attempt at putting an end to all the abusers in my life. I spent time in jail but it afforded me the opportunity to realize how precious life is and of the importance professionals’ roles can be when releasing one’s secret.
[A reminder – that this was written in 1985]
Posted by Nealus at July 6, 2004 11:35 AM
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