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July 04, 2004
Continuation of the “Assault On The Past”
Another contribution to this grave state of affairs was my inability to deal with Hypoglycemia. After being diagnosed in 1981 as having low blood sugar, I began reading extensively on the subject. I learned that a proper diet was the key to stabilizing this condition and that proper nutrition would aid many of my roller coaster emotions. The alcohol/hypoglycemia syndrome paralleled the argument of the chicken and the egg. Alcohol was creating the poor diet; the poor diet and alcohol was affecting my sugar balance; and the low blood sugar condition was contributing to alcoholism. All in all, I was an emotional yo-yo on a course towards the big sleeper.
In retrospect, I began to evaluate my adult years and the struggles to maintain a heterosexual identity. I was married at eighteen and our first child came along quickly within 6 months. Perhaps, I had not spent the proper time as an adolescent – just being such – but I had found a love which won me freedom from the men and from the clutches of the men that wanted to form continued relationships with me. I had my own car when I was sixteen, out of necessity, because I attended school in the inner city but lived in the suburbs. The car also enabled me to pursue women more aggressively. I was able to avoid spending time with the companions of my early teens. I had few friends my own age to call on though, because of attending school – out of town.
Between after school activities and the traveling, along with my efforts to remain on the National Honor Society at school, I had little time to hang around friends. The summer months between the ages of thirteen and fifteen were spent away from home, so I didn’t have relationships to return to except the men in my life. I found myself cruising around in the car, bouncing about looking for companionship but whatever I found was tentative. At times when these temporary friends and activities revealed a rejection towards me, I would wonder back to my users. I learned that beer was my constant companion and that I possessed ways of getting it, without having to use my fake ID. I discovered along with booze that I could acquire things of monetary value by playing games with adults which again was the beginning of a manipulatory behavioral pattern that I used later in life. I felt that I could take from people as easily as they took from me or that I needn’t give anything in return.
Posted by Nealus at July 4, 2004 11:36 AM
Comments
Wow.....we have so much in common its frightening, but reassuring at the same time.
Stay safe
Dan
Posted by: Dan at July 24, 2004 05:47 PM
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