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July 02, 2004

Continuation of the “Assault On The Past”

As early as thirteen, my abusers used the enticement of alcohol to break away my inhibitions. Substance abuse became as much a part of my life as had sexual abuse. I began to firmly believe that I approached the problem of alcoholism wrongly; never tying my denials with the environmental experiences of my youth. Rather than masking my past, I should have sought out the elements which made me click. So finally, for the first time in my life I felt that the experiences of abuse were the most significant contributing factor that I previously neglected to consider. I believe that this was the missing link which led to my loneliness and low self-esteem. Now I know that alcoholism was my habitual means of dealing with stresses with which I could not otherwise cope.

I began to understand that I had not been adequately trained as a child or adolescent to curb my asocial tendencies. Yet, through blurring vision from the continued use of alcohol, I never got a grip on this new found insight. I should have instantly sought out counseling; I should have had a commitment to stop abusing myself but instead I got caught up in distorting my self-awareness. There had been too many injustices committed and the only way to reclaim my self-respect and determine my worth was my ability to take revenge on those that wronged me.

Through the past several years, I have come to understand that something in addition to alcoholism has been contributing to a life on a shoe-string and in a situation tense with rejection and disillusionment. Something was responsible for my having gone to hospital emergency rooms four times in as many years in a state of depression and/or intoxication. I described myself as being manically depressed but never stayed around long enough to receive a professional diagnosis. My symptoms were becoming more severe and increased in duration. In depression, I had been crying, wringing my hands and experiencing thoughts of unworthiness, sinfulness and wrong doing. I was utterly miserable yet my fears, troubles and worries were of normal human mischances which might happen to anyone.

I feared failure in life and the ability to be a good father. My fears in fact, became so overpowering as to appear to me like certainties. I had lived through a series of emotional upheavals, abrupt changes of mind; illnesses and my life was filled with loneliness and frustrations. I worked fitfully at jobs which left me nothing but an irritating sense of failure; had changed jobs and had moved around frequently, apparently without plan. I couldn’t face reality and constantly ran away. My troubles seemed insurmountable and the situation seemed hopeless. I even considered life not worth the effort and I harbored thoughts of suicide. I decided of late that my lack of success was due to a lack of incentive. My self diagnosis, that the experiences of being a sexually abused child was the cause of my failure, added fuel to the fire and aggravated some form of psychosis.
[Please Note – This was written in 1985]

Posted by Nealus at July 2, 2004 08:49 AM

Comments

wow, this is some full on stuff. i assume, since this is in the past & that you're reliving it, that you've managed to move past it somehow. many blessings to you.

Posted by: coralie at July 2, 2004 09:37 AM

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