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July 01, 2004
Assault On The Past
In May of 1985 - while I was in Jail - I wrote the following and got an opportunity to actually type it. This is Titled - "Assault On The Past" by A Male Victim of Sexual Child Abuse. You might say - that I had settled on this - at that time - as the title for my book - An Inch From Murder. The Book has changed a lot naturally as things do - in time. In 1987 - two years after this first draft - it is evident - that I made changes to my thought processes. But here goes. These were my first thoughts - after almost six months in jail.
Three events occurred during the month of October of 1984 that changed the course of my life. The first was my thirty third birthday which I celebrated with a former friend; nothing spectacular. This so called "friend" is the man I later attempted to kill.
The second event was that this birthday although uneventful - was purposeful because it marked twenty nine years that I had suppressed the realities and consequences of being a sexually abused child; and I was dealing with the realization that my childhood and adolescent years had been spent as a sexual hostage.
Thirdly - I had a familiar experience and one filled with animosity because my male friend turned our relationship sour by sexually assaulting me.
Perhaps, these three events taken alone will not seem catastrophic, but collectively they had become the catalyst for my behavior over a forty-five day period which resulted in an act of violent retaliation.
Looking back now on this short period of my life becomes difficult because it involves the uncanning of a lifetime of emotion; the effects of being a male victim of sexual child abuse. I first began to identify with this frightening social problem after reading several cases of abuse in local newspapers and from learning of the efforts underway Nationally for public awareness. I began thinking more and more about my twelve years; from four years old until sixteen years of age when seven men molested and abused me. It was only after the three events mentioned above did I begin to release the frightening and damaging secrets of my past and to believe that I had found the key which would unlock my struggles with alcoholism, depression, and the need for a heterosexual identity.
To be continued...........
Posted by Nealus at July 1, 2004 01:15 AM
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